This article was written by Peter Pearson who, together with his wife Ellyn Bader, founded The Couples Institute in 1984 in Menlo, California. 

You and your partner formed a relationship likely for many reasons. One of the strongest might have been the desire for a deeper and ongoing connection with another human… a connection that allows you to be spontaneous, real, supported, sexy, and adventurous.

At the time, you hoped you had created a connection that would lead to a richer life.

But it’s possible that you and your partner might have lost your way after the initial euphoria of being together. Many factors are involved in getting lost. One of them is losing sight of your core values in the busyness of everyday life.

It is rare for most people (including me) to reflect very often on core values. That’s an indicator that we rarely spend much time thinking about the purpose of our own life or relationship.

It can be a mind-bending question, “What is the purpose of my life?” or “What is the purpose of my relationship?” So it is understandable we avoid it.

But there might be a way of generating clarity with just two questions.

The two questions can expose your core values. And your core values are really your compass, your North Star, and your beacon, while traveling on your life and relationship journey.

Here are the questions:

  • Who are the people you admire the most? They can be living or dead, real or fictional, ones you know or have only heard about. Make a list of these admired people.
  • Why do you admire them? List the qualities of each person that are so admirable.

Then look for the overlapping qualities across those people. Reduce the list to the 3-5 most important qualities.

These will give you a pretty good idea of your personal core values.

This is a good exercise for you and your partner to do and share with each other. Think about these qualities on a regular basis and reflect how much you are aligned with them as you go through the day.

When you and your partner get into disagreements, or are faced with big decisions, put them into the context of “How would I apply my core values to this discussion, decision or situation?” If the values are relevant then you will have increased your clarity about how to respond or what to decide.

If you don’t create clarity with these qualities, then redo the exercise.

Is it easy to live aligned with your core values? Of course not. But I think one of the reasons the people on your admired list are there is that they embody their core values in how they live.

There they are – two powerful questions. Who do I admire? And why do I admire them?

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