When I get asked what I think is the most important ingredient for a good relationship, you may be surprised to hear that I don’t say ‘love.’  In our western world, we tend to believe that a good relationship is one where two people love each other.  We don’t follow the practice of arranged marriage as occurs in other cultures; rather, the driving force for two people getting together and making a commitment to one another is love.

So when my clients ask me what I think the most important ingredient for creating a healthy relationship is, my answer is always:  respect.

It’s great if you love each other but it is even more important that you feel respect for one another.  Ask yourself these questions:

Do I value my partner’s opinion?

Do I admire my partner’s qualities?

Do I respect the way they interact with others?

Do I like their values?

There are many more questions I could add to this list but this is a starting point for you to think about the place that respect has in your relationship.  And if you’re not currently in a relationship, this is a starting point to think about what you would like to create in a future relationship.

If your answer is no to any of the above questions, it is worth thinking about how important the answer is to you.  How much does this ‘no’ mean to you?  Are you in the relationship for the right reasons? 

Nothing is simple!  You may have started out feeling respect for your partner but over time, based on situations/events/incidents, you may feel that you no longer have the respect for your partner you once had.  Is this something that can be recovered?  Have you talked about this with each other?

One final thought:  I believe you can respect someone without loving them; but I wonder if you can truly love someone if you don’t respect them?  There are no right or wrong answers, just thought-provoking questions which will assist you in thinking about your relationship.  Remember, that in order for a relationship to last, the key ingredient is respect.

Living in a busy world means it is often hard to make time for yourself.  When you factor in making time for your relationship, there doesn’t seem to be enough hours in the day.  While this may be somewhat easier when it is just you and your partner, when you add in the demands of a family, the relationship is often the first thing to go.

There are lots of reasons you may give yourself for not making time for your relationship:

It’s too hard to find a baby-sitter. 

We’ve never left our kids with anyone before.

We feel guilty leaving the kids and going out somewhere.

We’re too tired.

We can’t afford it.

And the list goes on…

Nurturing Your Relationship.

While all of the above may be valid some of the time, if you don’t make a concerted effort to nurture your relationship, you can find yourselves feeling less connected to each other.  Often, you may not even notice that you haven’t spent any quality time together as a couple.  Life takes over and each day is as busy as the next.

When this happens, you may find yourselves working really well together as parents but what about your couple relationship?  It is not enough to be good parents together.  You need to nurture and grow your relationship with each other.

Think Of Your Relationship As A Garden.

If you plant trees and flowers, you need to water, feed and prune regularly to make sure your garden continues to flourish.  You might be lucky and the plants may still grow without any attention but eventually they may not do as well as they would with more attention and care.

So How Do You Get Started? 

Plan a date night once a week or fortnight.  It could be an afternoon on the week-end or on a day off.

Take turns making plans for what you will do together.  Surprise your partner. 

If money is an issue, go for a walk together or a coffee.  

Agree not to talk about difficult issues on your date.

Try not to talk about your kids.

And above all, HAVE FUN.  This is your chance to re-connect with each other in a fun and positive way. Who knows what you might invite into your relationship….

M:  I was feeling pretty low and thought I was going to have to move out.  I thought our marriage was over.  I thought counselling would be a waste of time and didn’t think anyone could help us. 

D&M:  Lauren helped us learn how to talk to each other and how to resolve things.  We became aware of the underlying issues that were there and that we’d been afraid to approach.

D:  I feel a lot calmer and I don’t feel angry.  I have a better understanding of M than I had before.  We’ve learned how important it is to keep communicating no matter what.  Things aren’t perfect but they are calmer.  I feel optimistic about our relationship.  We can work things out much better than we ever have.  We’re more together in terms of our parenting and we now make sure we spend time together as a couple.  The counselling has been really invaluable.  If we hadn’t come, we would have remained really unhappy but stayed together for the sake of our children, or we would have split up.  We couldn’t see how to create a third alternative.

My husband and I were seeing a different counsellor together and I was a bit cross that my husband felt that I needed individual counselling, like it was my big problem.  I felt like I was really putting myself out there and was a bit resentful about it all.

The counselling benefitted us enormously.  After two sessions, everything changed around.  I started to look at problems differently and more positively.  I was able to be realistic about what I needed to do.  I felt like Lauren gave me permission to think about and approach things differently; that I wasn’t letting myself down by changing my perspective and acting differently.  I could see making changes as something positive rather than the negative way I’d been thinking about it.

Lauren was able to give me lots of strategies to deal with different situations that have been really helpful.  Having the opportunity to verbalize and discuss issues with someone independent from my husband and me was really useful.  Our relationship is back on track.

When I first went to see Lauren, I was a bit apprehensive. I’d had counselling before when I was younger and I didn’t feel like it helped me at all. The counsellor just sat and listened but didn’t give me any guidance. I was feeling pretty skeptical about it all but knew I needed to give it a try.

Lauren was an absolute life-saver for me.

For a start, things are so much clearer. Lauren has helped me to develop a broader perspective on life. I am more aware of my inner world as well as of what’s happening around me. I’m more accepting of who I am and I’m not afraid to express myself to others.

I’ve discovered that I get anxious because of what is happening around me and now that I can identify this, I don’t blame myself. As a result, my anxiety has lessened considerably and when it does appear, I feel like I can manage it and not be overwhelmed by it.

I feel like I can deal with what’s going on in my life so much better. Lauren has shown me techniques I now use to help me deal with my issues. Things are much easier in my relationship with my partner whereas before, nothing seemed clear and it all felt like one big mess.

I am now making better choices for myself. It is easier for me to tackle and take on things that would have felt over-whelming in the past. Everything is a whole lot better.

I wouldn’t be where I am now without the work Lauren and I have been doing together.”

Each time I came to see Lauren, I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I was able to get things off my chest that I couldn’t talk about with others. Lauren is really easy to talk to and things just flowed in our sessions. I didn’t have to come prepared with what I was going to talk about. Lauren was able to take whatever was going on for me at the time and explore this in a way that was always of benefit to me. She is a good listener and asks questions and guides you in a way that gives you a lot to think about. She was great at hitting the right chords and seemed to have a deep understanding of what I was talking about.

I feel more relaxed in myself now that I don’t have the subconscious pressures that were weighing me down before. I have gained a greater awareness of what is going on within myself. I know how to deal with problems and issues a lot better. My family life has improved; my relationships with my wife and son are much better and so are my communication skills. My family also appreciates the change in me. What I’ve learned from counselling has helped me in all aspects of my life.

When I first started counselling, I was worried about where it was going to take me. What would I uncover? Would I find out that I was in an unhealthy relationship which was making me unhealthy? What if counselling couldn’t fix it?

Counselling gave me a sense of comfort and security. It was a relief to know I could share with Lauren what was going on inside me. I knew I only had to wait until the next session to be able to work things out and this helped me get through each week. Counselling was like a refuge for me and meant that I didn’t have to burden others around me.

Lauren helped me learn new strategies for dealing with situations and this enabled me to handle things differently. I also developed greater perspective about the relationship with my husband. My anxiety decreased. I still sometimes catch myself taking on responsibility for others but am able to take a step back and set clearer boundaries for myself.

I now feel happier and stronger in myself. I can parent with more confidence and have learned not to take everything so personally. I am less judgmental of myself and others and this has allowed me to accept my husband for who he is. Our relationship has improved because of this and I am now able to respond in ways that don’t automatically escalate into a fight.

I loved the privacy and confidentiality of the counselling sessions and the non-judgmental way Lauren would ask things. She gently challenged me in a way I could accept.”

Lauren has great recall and was always able to accurately reference back to previous discussions. She kept discussions flowing and on topic and never let situations denigrate. Through these interactions I was able to more clearly see how negatively I was being treated in my marriage and the lack of love and warmth that existed between us.

Counselling empowered me to finally make the decision to leave my husband. After a brief break, I have gone back to see Lauren in order for her to assist me in dealing with separation issues, particularly as there is a young child involved.

I find Lauren to be highly intelligent, her comments are well-considered and her advice is extremely beneficial and easily applied. In comparison to previous counsellors who only seem to question, Lauren helps find the answers. She has helped me regain my happiness and sense of self.

K: For me, I was quite depressed. I felt like I had no direction and didn’t feel much of a connection with H. I felt like we had lost our way in communicating with each other and was ready to give our marriage away.

H: When we decided to have counselling, I felt quite relieved to talk to someone neutral who would be able to interpret and understand why we were in the position we were in.

K: I started counselling feeling like there were a lot of things I needed to get off my chest about the relationship and my life in general. I was also relieved that we would be getting some help with this.

H & K: Counselling helped to clarify where we were going wrong. Lauren was able to support us in learning how to communicate with each other in a way that the other person could really hear. This helped us to understand each other’s experience of the relationship. It was really important to have a safe place to look at the really difficult aspects of our relationship.

H: Now, my relationship with K has improved, as has my relationship with my kids. Life is improving by using the skills that Lauren has taught us.

K: I feel more supported by H and that he has a better understanding of where we were at and how we got there. I feel more confident in myself.

H&K: Working with Lauren has enabled us not to judge each other immediately, to be more open to listening, less defensive with each other and more realistic about each other’s feelings and needs. We have a better understanding of each other’s feelings and a much greater acceptance of each other. Lauren was very caring, non-judgmental and extremely skillful in helping us to get clarity around our relationship dynamics as well as our own personal issues. Our relationship is much more solid now.